Inner child work for childhood trauma

Let’s talk about how not getting emotional needs met in childhood shows up in adult relationships.

Let’s say your childhood was highly chaotic and parents were emotionally unavailable most of the time, rarely giving you what you needed to feel safe, seen, supported, or valued. You were either criticized, ignored, or harshly disciplined. You learned early on not to cry or protest openly, because whenever you did, it only made things worse. Thus, you learned not to ask for help or show your emotions. You became highly ambitious, hyper-efficient, and highly attuned to your surroundings. Always trying to stay two steps ahead of criticism by having strict standards for yourself and not allowing yourself to make mistakes. 

As an adult, you really know how to get things done, and you don’t accept any excuses from yourself. You’re successful in your professional life, and you feel validated by your accomplishments—as long as you keep getting positive feedback, keep pushing yourself, and never slow down. You value your drivenness and how you hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else, believing that without these qualities, you’d grow lazy and complacent.

After all, perfectionism was how you survived your childhood.

As competent as you might feel at work, intimate relationships bring out a vulnerability and fear that make you feel “crazy,” unstable, and emotional. To you, being vulnerable means people will abandon you, because you think people only value you for your achievements, or what you can do for them. Thus, you see your vulnerability as being a burden to others, even though you enjoy when others are vulnerable with you.

If you could be in your professional persona all the time—capable, calm, in control—then things would be OK.

Yet in romantic relationships, you feel so anxious and afraid, either shutting partners out or clinging tightly. The more your emotions surface unbidden, the more desperate you are to quiet them, and the more helpless and out of control you feel. You don’t want to be this person. You wish you could get rid of that part of you so that you could at least have a chance at being worthy of love, certain that nobody could ever accept the parts of you that feel so imperfect.

This is a picture of the wounded child-self living inside their adult body. The adult self wants to hold onto the qualities that they believe to be acceptable and useful, and disown the “unacceptable” parts—namely, whatever makes them feel vulnerable. Vulnerability is typically seen as dangerous or destructive. Inner child work invites a different perspective, but more importantly, it provides a different experience of the vulnerable self as the therapy relationship grows. ICW invites the adult self to first notice, and eventually nurture, accept, and integrate their wounded child parts (think Kintsugi). 

The completed “artwork,” if you will, will be different for everyone. But it might look something like: You can acknowledge your imperfections without them being a source of shame. You can see your mistake as separate from who you are as a person. You can feel appropriate guilt without drowning in shame, and the guilt doesn’t last long. When triggered, you can have compassion for your inner child, responding to their vulnerability with love and guidance, just as a “good enough” parent gently comforts and guides a frightened child. Shame is no longer used as a survival tool, and perfectionism is no longer seen as the ticket to being loved. ♥️