Fake Intimacy in Narcissistic Relationships

Let’s talk about a common dynamic in narcissistic relationships (a relationship or entanglement where at least one member has higher than average levels of narcissistic behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs).

Fake Intimacy

Ever been in a relationship where you had to work really hard to convince yourself that your partner treats you well, or that you’re happy with them? Here are two main ways that fake intimacy is created:

1) When you get crumbs of intimate connection, then you mentally amplify them into a semblance of what you actually need.

2) When you accept substitutions for intimacy, such as shared routines, shared history, good sex, or gifts.

This intimacy illusion is kept alive by reverse projections, or projecting the things you wish were true onto your partner. (Please know that usually this is deeply unconscious and not your fault.)

Examples:

• They don’t allow you to wear “revealing” clothing or see “bad influence” friends or family. Reverse projection: “They’re so concerned for my safety.”

• They demand access to your phone/texts or social media accounts, and accuse you of cheating or hiding things if you don’t comply. Reverse projection: “Our relationship is so honest that we have no secrets,” or, “They just love me so much that they’re afraid to lose me. I’ve never felt so wanted.”

• After months or years of mistreatment, you’ve finally worked up the courage to leave, and they gaslight and love bomb you into staying. Reverse projection: “They’re right; we both made mistakes. What’s important is how much they love me and want to work things out. This proves that I’m really valuable and important to them.”

If your shame is kicking up right about now, please read:

💞Playing a role in creating these intimacy fantasies does not say a SINGLE bad thing about you. This is an adaptation learned from being forced to exist in environments where true, consistent, safe attachment and bonding was not an option. I’m talking about early trauma—yes, even if you grew up believing that things weren’t that bad because “others had it worse.”

If this sounds familiar, your story doesn’t have to end here. Healing early trauma wounds can change the entire landscape of your future relationships. You can learn what feels good and acceptable to you, what your boundaries and standards are, and how to hold space for all parts of yourself. If this work sounds tough, please know that you don’t have to do this alone.

Click here to schedule a free consultation to learn more about partnering with me on this journey.